So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
