we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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