there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
