got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The beer is more important than you right now.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
