my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
