Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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