Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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