i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
