I'm really into asian looking animals
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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