So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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