MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He shit in the fireplace
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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