I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
