Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
