It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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