i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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