1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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