i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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