you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
