Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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