I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Drunk is not a location!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
