Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
