So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
