While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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