i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
