today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
