i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
