When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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