At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
