you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
