My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
