When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
