What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
