Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
