walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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