I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Randomize
