My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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