she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
