Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
