I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
