just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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