What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
