Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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