just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
