I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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