I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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