yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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