Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
