Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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