well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
