He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
