i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
What drink are we having for lunch?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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