I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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