I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
