ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
