You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
