So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
