seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My vagina just recognized that song.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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